Heaven's Not Enough
by WildcatYST
Summary: Sometimes things don't turn out the way they should. That's how Miroku feels as his curse is beginning to consume him. But Kagome won't let him leave this world alone...


**Disclaimer:** Inuyasha and company don't belong to me. You're all surprised, aren't you?

**A/N:** dodges thrown objects I know I promised no other fics until "Prisoners" is done, but I couldn't get this one out of my head. This is a Miroku/Kagome story. Angst warning! Well…at least it made me sad. So let me know what you think! (Oh, don't let the title fool you. This isn't a song fic.) By the way, this is a great song. It's from the anime Wolf's Rain. I highly recommend it. After you read this fic, listen to it and you'll understand why I paired it with this fic.

_Heaven's Not Enough_

_When I'm there I don't remember you..._

--Yoko Kanno, "Heaven's Not Enough"

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**Heaven's Not Enough**

**WildcatYST**

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

Heroes were not supposed to die alone. Heroes died in battle or while resting comfortably on their death bed surrounded by admirers. They were not supposed to be running in the night alone and frightened. But this is exactly what the cursed monk was doing. He was running.

Miroku was running into the night, desperate to put some distance between himself and his fellow shard hunters. His brow was covered in a thin veil of sweat that spoke of his nervousness and strenuous run. The pony tail he usually sported was forgotten as the strands of his hair whipped about him as he journeyed through the forest. The loose strands hung in his face, but he did not bother to wipe them away. There wasn't time for trivial matters such as that. All that mattered was that he get away from the ones he loved. He had to run from them to save them.

For weeks, his cursed palm had been itching. It felt strained and stretched, as if the contents of the void were fighting to spill out from the confines of his prayer beads and engulf the entire world. The edges of the black hole were tearing slightly and the whole of it nearly spanned his entire palm. All of the tension and worry he had placed upon the void had culminated into the decision that now had him gasping for breath while bolting through the thick underbrush of the forest. He knew what was happening. It was inevitable, really. He had always known that one day the void would spread and engulf his entire body and everything around him. But he was foolish enough to believe that he could stop it.

When he joined Inuyasha and Kagome on their hunt for Naraku, he had allowed his heart to believe that the curse would be lifted. They would find the vile hanyou, destroy him, and lift the curse of his being from the world. Miroku had never thought that they would not find Naraku in time. He deceived himself into believing that fate would smile upon him and grant him his wish to live. All his hopes and dreams crumbled at his feet as he realized what he must do. While sitting by the campfire earlier in the evening, he eyed each one of his companions.

Sango, the youkai exterminator, was curled into one of Kagome's spare sleeping bags. Her back was turned to him and he couldn't help but smile at the outline of her figure in the plush sleeping material. She was a strong woman in both mind and body, and had proved to be a valuable fighter for the group. Her lose at Naraku's hands mirrored his own. She had lost his family, much like he did, and was now on a quest for vengeance so that the spirits of her family and comrades could rest. Miroku knew that Sango worried for her younger brother. He was still under Naraku's control, and though she didn't show it, her heart mourned for him.

His eyes looked up into the trees to find the outline of the group's protector. Inuyasha. Now he had some issues. Being scorned from birth, having a brother that tries to kill you, being pinned to a tree for fifty years, awaking to find a look alike of your dead lover, being hunted by said dead lover, and bearing the burden of finding the jewel shards was enough to make anyone a little emotionally unstable. For all his rough edges, Inuyasha was good person. His gruffness was his way of hiding his tenderness. His shouting was his way of hiding the real emotion in his voice. The hanyou meant well, but his difficult life made it hard for him to truly open up to anyone.

A soft snore brought his attention to Shippo, who was curled up beside his surrogate mother. The little kitsune was quite the little youkai. He could always bring a smile to your face when things were gloomy. His short life was already littered with tragedy and loss, but he was safe in the arms of a new protector.

Said protector shifted in her sleep, and Miroku's violet eyes softened when they landed on the face of Kagome Higurashi. The girl from the future was an enigma. A beautiful, caring, fun, loving, intelligent, and oh so wonderful to grope enigma. Being from another time made her a conundrum of sorts in the feudal era. Her trust in everyone and her tenderness to even her enemies was unheard of. The woman child was a remarkable person. She had suffered nothing at the hand of Naraku, but was so determined to put an end to his evil that she made it her personal mission to collect the shards and destroy him. She played mother, caretaker, peacemaker, and friend to the entire group. If anything, Kagome was everything the monk was not.

She was innocent in all ways of world. Her cheeks would flush whenever his wandering hand made its way to her bottom, but the twinkle in her blue gray eyes was enough to suggest that she didn't mind as much as she protested. She would carelessly throw herself between Inuyasha and his brother to keep them from killing each other. She treated all of her friends' wounds before bothering to look after herself. Kagome had a big heart and there would always be space for him in it.

His mind returned to the night when he realized that there was more to Kagome than meets the eye……..

_Kagome stared up at the night sky. All of her companions were asleep and she was just enjoying a few moments of quiet while looking up at the stars. Her thoughts were broken when she felt someone sit beside her on the soft grass. _

"_Is something bothering you, Lady Kagome" The monk asked, playfully putting in the title. Kagome laughed but did not look away from the star filled sky. _

"_Nothing's wrong. I'm just enjoying looking up at the heavens." She answered, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. A few minutes of compatible silence were shared until a hand made its way to her backside. _

_SMACK!_

_Miroku smiled dreamily as he rubbed his reddened cheek. He would never get tired of this little game. Kagome muttered about perverted monks keeping their hands to themselves and gave a half hearted sigh. A few more quiet moments passed and were broken when Miroku let out a tired sigh. _

_Kagome had noticed how strangely he had been acted lately. He was more reserved than usual and was spending a lot of time alone. His face was weary and his eyes lacked the luster they usually held. She turned a thoughtful gaze on him and broke the silence. _

"_Is something wrong, Miroku?" She asked, eyeing him carefully for any sign that would tell her what was the matter. His body visibly tensed, but he relaxed quickly to hide it. _

"_There's nothing wrong with me, Kagome. I'm just tired, that's all." He answered, avoiding making eye contact with her. She had a gift that allowed her to tell if you were lying just by looking you in the eye. Right now, Miroku did not want to test that gift. _

"_If you say so." Kagome answered, returning her gaze to the stars. She traced the various constellations and admired the beauty of it all before a soft voice interrupted her. _

"_The stars are our ancestors set in the sky to watch over us. They shine brightly to show us the way and are always there to keep on eye on us." Miroku grinned as Kagome turned a thoughtful gaze on him. "At least, that's what my father told me." _

_Miroku rarely talked about his father, so Kagome immediately knew something was wrong. The wringing of his beads in his cursed hand told her all she needed to know. _

"_You miss him, don't you?" She asked softly, watching the smile fade from his face. A nod was her only answer. "And you're worried that it will happen to you?" Another nod. Kagome stretched her arms out and reached for his cursed hand. She held it gently in her own two hands and ran her fingers over the delicate looking beads. _

"_You know, my father told me something like that. He said that when we die, we go to heaven. He said that it is a wonderful place where all of our pain and worries leave us. And when we are ready, we take our place in the night sky to shine light down upon our loved ones and to watch over them for all of eternity." She smiled softly at him. Kagome rarely talked about her father either. Miroku knew that he had died, but Kagome never really talked about it. He stared down at his hand in hers and finally looked up to meet her gaze. _

"_Heaven's not enough." He whispered, pain evident in his voice. The question in Kagome's eyes prompted him to explain. "Being so far away from the ones you love is not enough. You can't hold them or tell them that everything will be alright. What if we forget those we love? Eternity is a long time to look after them." He paused taking in a breath full of the spring air. "It just…not enough." He absently stroked the beads around his hand. _

_His death was always in the back of his mind. The looming feeling of a shadow coming to take you away at any moment is not a welcome one. Miroku tried to be strong and not think about it, but on nights like this he felt so alone. None of his companions would every truly understand what he was going through. _

_Kagome's blue gray eyes looked thoughtfully at him for a moment. _

"_I think I understand." She still had not let go of his hand. "Having eternal happiness in heaven is not worth it if you do not remember those you love. The people you care about gave you happiness in life. It wouldn't be fair to forget them in the afterlife." Kagome smiled softly at him. "No matter what happens, those you leave behind will not forget you or the happiness you gave them." _

_She squeezed her hand for emphasis and returned her gaze to the sky. Miroku stared at her wide eyed for a moment. Her words were comforting to his troubled mind. She had a point after all. You may not physically be there for them, but you will be in their hearts until they join you in the heavens. _

_Maybe death would not be so bad after all…………_

Turning resolved, violet eyes to the light of the fire, Miroku made his decision. He knew they would all be hurt, especially Kagome. But she would also be the one to understand. After all, she would do the same thing in his position. She was always sacrificing herself for the sake of others and this was no different. He had to get away to protect them.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

And that was how Miroku found himself barreling through the edges of the forest and stumbling into a wide clearing. He fell to his knees, sucking air into his deprived lungs and allowing his sore body a moment's rest. His hands wiped sweat from his brow and his eyes clenched shut in pain. The occasional pulse of pain was now coming from his curse hand, and he clenched his teeth to push it out of his mind. He couldn't give up now, not when he was resolved to protect _her_.

Kagome.

The girl had unknowingly captured his heart. However, he kept silent in his affections for her. She was clearly too distracted by shard hunting to maintain a relationship and he was unsure of her feelings for him. They flirted occasionally and he was always excited by the light in her eyes and that pearly smile she directed at him. But it was just another deception to himself. She could not be his when he was gone. He was protecting her by not telling her. If she did not know of his feelings, she would not feel the heartbreak and sorrow when she discovered the crater that marked the end of his existence. She wouldn't be left alone with a child to raise (if things ever came to that) and she would not be faced with an eternity alone.

As Miroku gripped his staff and used it to pull himself up off of the ground, a rustling in the bushes behind him caught his attention. He felt no evil aura, but prepared himself for an attack. The dark green foliage rustled in the moonlight, which was strong enough to light the entire clearing. The rustling became stronger and he lifted his staff into a defensive position. Bushes opened to reveal the bright, white fur of the fire neko, Kilala. Miroku relaxed immediately, but his entire body went rigid when he noticed that the cat was not alone. Upon her back was a woman with a worried look in her blue gray eyes staring directly at him.

"Miroku!" Kagome shouted in relief, letting out a sigh as the tension left her body. She had awoken in the middle of the night to discover that Miroku was gone. It was not like him to wander off. He could be in trouble or hurt, so Kagome had caught the attention of the fire cat and run off to track him.

"Kagome?" Miroku asked, his voice disbelieving as if he had just seen a ghost. His violet eyes widened in terror.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

"Miroku, what are you doing out here? You scared me to death!" The fire cat trotted up to the monk and Kagome slipped of her back. "I was worried sick!" She scolded, but the relief on her face told him that she truly was worried for him.

"You shouldn't have followed me, Kagome." Miroku's voice was deep and serious. He swallowed hard, trying to figure a way out of this. All the while, the pain in his hand was increasing and he could feel the agonizing tearing of his hand again.

"Why not? If one of my friends is in trouble then I'm going to find them." She said stubbornly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

A chuckle escaped Miroku's throat. Stubborn as always. Someday that stubbornness was going to get her in trouble, if she made it past today. Kagome stared at her friend and saw the strain on his countenance. His eyes were haunted and his entire body was shaking.

"Miroku?" Kagome asked in a soft voice. Worry was etched all over his face. "What's wrong?" She reached out a hand to pull meaningfully at his purple robes. She was shocked when Miroku swatted her hand away and took a step backwards.

"Stay away from me!" Miroku shouted, cringing at the harshness in his own voice. The hurt look in the woman's eyes did nothing to soothe his already troubled mind.

"Something's wrong." Kagome's previous rebelliousness was gone and replaced with a look of pure concern.

Miroku should have guessed that Kagome would pick up something. If his pained face or strange behavior was not enough, the evil aura slowly leaking from his hand should tip her off. He clenched his prayer beads with renewed strength. He would not let her be in danger. He would not be the cause of her death too.

"Go back to camp." His voice was desperate, pleading for her to obey him. His entire arm was on fire with the pain of his impending doom. Time was running out and the woman he loved was standing directly in the line of fire.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong." Kagome stepped closer to him. The fire cat retreated to the edge of the clearing to both give them privacy and escape the strange feeling of impending danger.

"Kagome…" Miroku took in a sharp breath when he felt her delicate hand cup his cheek. His violet eyes locked with hers and he trembled under the penetrating gaze. If eyes were the window to the soul, then Kagome was bearing hers for him. Worry, uncertainty, pain, and love shone through to him, though he was unsure of how he knew it. Her lips were parted in worry as she examined his eyes, searching for answers.

"It's your hand." Her voice was soft and low as comprehension came over her. Miroku could only nod slowly, his voice choked by the emotions and pain flowing through him.

The void pulsed, causing him to clench his hand harder. Pain was flowing up his entire arm and into his chest. His breathing was becoming ragged and his entire body felt tired. He was tired. The loss of his hope had drained his spirit and the run had drained his body. He would like nothing else than to curl up into Kagome's arms and let death take him. At least, he would die happy. But he couldn't do that. Not to Kagome. That was why he had run and it looked like the runaway had been caught.

"We can take you to Mushin. He'll know what to do." Kagome spoke with resolve. Once she decided on a course of action, she was not easily deterred. Plus, when it came to the safety of her friends, she would do anything to save them.

Miroku shook his head solemnly, pulling his face from the contact of her soft palm. His head was bowed and his bangs covered his eyes. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes but he blinked them away. He wouldn't cry. That's not how he wanted to be remembered.

"It's too late. The void will be unleashed soon and there is nothing we can do." His voice was firm, belying the uncertainty and fear that consumed him.

"No!" Kagome gasped. Her small hands grasped his ebony framed face and turned it to look up at her. "We can use Kilala. She can get us there in time. I can use some spells to contain it until then. We'll find a way." Her sentences came out rushed and desperate, as if she was trying to convince herself as much as him.

Miroku's rough hands encircled her wrists and he gazed into her eyes. The hope that was shining in her eyes faded as she accepted what he had said. There truly was no hope. The gods had forsaken them. Miroku gently stroked the delicate hands that held his face in place. He closed his eyes slowly, wanting to remember this feeling forever. His teeth clenched as another pulsation of pain began at his palm and traveled through his entire body. The feeling made a gasp catch in his throat but he swallowed it to keep his pride.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

"Kagome, it's dangerous here. You shouldn't put yourself in danger for me. I'm not worthy of it." His fingers gently stroked the contours of her hand and wrist. Kagome shivered as goose bumps appeared on her flesh from his gentle ministrations.

"If you are not worthy of my concern, then I am not worthy of your love." She said. This statement brought Miroku's eyes snapping open to focus on her own. There was no deceit in her blue orbs, only the shining honesty that permeated her entire being.

"How did you know?" He asked suddenly. She spoke the statement with such authority that he knew she was aware of his feelings for her. Kagome's lips broke into a small, sad smile. It was hard to be happy when Miroku was in such peril.

"Sango told me." Kagome's confession made Miroku laugh.

He should have known better than to confess his secret to Kagome's best friend. He had never picked Sango as a gossiper, but apparently it was too juicy for even the exterminator to keep secret. He clenched his teeth again as a wave of pain coursed through his body. This time, he could not keep the groan from escaping his throat. His knees gave out from under him and Kagome wrapped her arms around his midsection to keep him from falling. Kagome slowly slunk to the ground under his weight and shook him gently in concern.

"Miroku!" She grabbed his shoulders and heard his soft laugh. "Why are you laughing at a time like this?" Her voice cracked with the overwhelming stress and emotion she was feeling. Her eyes were filled with tears and a few spilled over to leave wet trials down her cheek.

"It's just so you. Coming out to find me and not wanting to leave me alone." His calloused hand reached up to wipe the tears from her face.

"But I can't do anything. You're still going to…to…" Kagome couldn't bring herself to say it. She still held hope that something would happen. Some miracle would answer her prayers and prevent the young monk from being consumed by his curse.

"I've accepted the fact that I will die a long time ago Kagome." The monk's softened eyes locked with hers again. His body tensed and relaxed as a wave of pain came and passed. It was excruciating now, and took a few moments for his contorted face to relax and his body to come out of the convulsive tension that ran through it.

His arms wrapped around the small woman and he pulled her to him. A loud sob came from her and she buried her face in the robes covering his shoulder. One hand gently massaged her back in comfort and the other buried itself in her hair in an attempt to muffle her tears. He just couldn't take her pain. The overwhelming strike of pain that was ripping through his body almost constantly he could deal with, but not her tears.

"Tell the others that I will miss them. I will watch over you all, always." He whispered, his breath wafting through her hair to her ear. He cringed as the almost constant wave rushed through him again. Her fingers clenched at his robes and she shook her head in denial.

"It's not fair." She whispered, her voice rough with emotion. "I never got to tell you that I have feelings for you, too. We haven't killed Naraku yet. We haven't shared our first kiss. We haven't…"

Her rant was cut off when lips descended upon hers. The kiss was soft, and sensual, which was nothing like she imagined it would be. Her daydreams of her first kiss with him were centered on passion and lust. But this was special. It was as if he was telling her all the things he wouldn't get to tell her in this one moment when their lips touched. His tongue caressed hers and his lips moved deftly over hers. The sensuality of the kiss made her melt against him. She was left gasping for air when the monk pulled away.

"Well, that's one thing down." Miroku joked, trying to bring some light on the situation. Kagome frowned.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

Miroku suddenly crushed her frame against his own and buried his face into her hair. The strain on his hand was becoming too great. The pain threatened to consume in sanity and he had to get her to safety before the void was unleashed.

"Thank you." Miroku whispered into her ear. "Thank you for being with me in the end. Thank you for letting me be your first kiss. And thank you for loving me." He tried to express his feelings but he felt the words were somewhat lacking. The tightening of arms around his neck made him think otherwise.

"I will never forget you." Kagome whispered, her voice cracking with the pain she was feeling.

That's when Miroku lost it. He couldn't take it anymore. All of the stress and pain was leading to a breakdown and this moment was it. His vision blurred and he didn't bother to blink the tears away. They fell freely down his face and into the raven locks of the woman in his arms. He had never expected her to reciprocate his feelings or that it would be the very end when he would discover it.

He was in pain and he was afraid. He was afraid of what it would be like to die, he was afraid of the process of dying, and he was afraid that the woman in his arms would forget him. Miroku had never wanted her to suffer from his death, but he had ruined even that promise to himself. And so he cried. He cried for the pain he would cause Kagome, he cried for the unfairness of it all, and he cried for himself.

His hand began pulsing constantly and his head shot up in surprise. The moment with Kagome had to end. A black mist was pouring out from underneath the beads which confined his curse. His hand shook with the strain and in one moment, his world was turned to chaos.

The beads containing his hand broke and the vortex of terror that was his curse was unleashed. He quickly turned it away from Kagome and gripped his wrist with his un-cursed hand. The remnants of the string of beads was draped halfway across his palm and seemed to be keeping the void from being entirely unleashed.

"Kagome, get away from me!" He pushed the raven hair woman from his side and stood to take a few steps from her.

He was shocked when a pair of slender arms wrapped around him from behind. Wind whipped his hair around his face and he could see the long strands of raven hair flowing around him as well. The broken string of beads was lying partially across the void, containing it for a few more moments before they failed.

"I won't let you die alone!" Kagome shouted above the growing winds.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this._

Miroku's heart clenched. She refused to leave his side, even if by staying she consigned herself to his fate. No. He wouldn't let her sacrifice herself for his sake. It was time that someone scarified for her. Turning in her embrace, Miroku clutched at the remainder of his prayer beads and tilted his cursed hand away from her. Reaching into his robes, he pulled out a sutra that was made especially for this occasion. He had commissioned a sutra be made that would protect someone from being sucked into the void. Mushin had finished it last time Miroku had visited. He wasn't even sure if it would work and never intended on actually using it. But Kagome would not get to safety in time and this was his only hope.

Pulling the sutra out from his robes, he wrapped his arm around her and prepared for his final moments. There was so much to say but he found his mind blank. There were no words for the guilt he was feeling, the pain at causing her to worry, and fear of what lie beyond this world. Instead, he pulled her tightly to him and found her ear with his lips.

"I love you, Kagome." He whispered. "Forgive me." Miroku slapped the sutra onto her back and pushed her away. He watched her eyes fill with hurt and fear before he turned from her.

Falling to his knees under the strain of his curse, the ripped the broken string of beads from his hand and tossed them away. Wind whirled around him, lifting his hair and causing his robes to billow about him in the chaos. His eyes clenched in pain as he felt his hand take in the things around him. Grass circled him in almost a green halo as it made its way into oblivion. Trees were sucked into the depths of his endless void. A scream tore from his throat and he tossed his head back as every fiber of his being was being pulled and stretched to its limits.

And then all was quiet. Kagome looked on with terror filled eyes at the vacant clearing. The sutra had surrounded her with a soft, golden light that rooted her to her spot and prevented her from being drawn into the void. She warily crawled on her hands and knees to the edge of the crater which had formed where Miroku had stood. Kagome looked over the edge with a fleeting bit of hope that she might see him.

Emptiness greeted her. He was gone. The monk who stole her heart had been stolen from her. In that moment, Kagome was lost. Tears streaked down her cheeks, unnoticed as a wail of complete agony escaped her. She pounded her fists in the dirt in frustration. She would never be able to show Miroku just how much he meant to her. Never again would he comfort her after a fight with Inuyasha. Never again would he grope her behind and smile innocently about it. Never again would he hold her in his arms and confess his love for her. Never again.

Kagome dug her nails into the soil and rested her head on the ground. A soft, blue color caught her eyes and she noticed that she held something in her hands. The prayer beads that once held the curse under control here now pressed between her hand and the earth. She must have caught them when Miroku threw them away to accept his fate. Renewed tears flowed down her cheeks and she felt another wave of anguish consume her.

The soft footsteps of the fire cat went unnoticed. The cat had seen it all and gazed reverently down into the hole left by the monk. Her large head pushed against Kagome and the girl threw herself into the soft, white fur of the animal. The fire cat sat patiently, not minding the clenching of the girl's fist into her fur. Kagome clenched and unclenched her fist, burying her face into her companion's comfort with the beads still held firmly in her hand. Her cries echoed into the night as the fire cat drew her head back and let out a long, mournful cry.

_It wasn't supposed to be like this. _

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Well? Good? Bad? Ugly? Let me know! Comments and criticism are always welcome. 


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